Can A Relationship Work With Someone Who's Never Been In Love?
When you are dating someone who has never been in love before, it can severely challenge and alter the relationship...
Not only do you feel pressure to maintain and emotionally support the relationship, but there are also plenty of potential-breakup moments—on behalf of your significant other. I know this, because I have been through it.
My previous boyfriend had a troubled childhood, and an even tougher life growing up.
My ex had been on his own since he was thirteen, without proper parental guidance or education. He was very guarded, had explosive emotional tendencies, but at the same time he craved love and understanding; he may have been naïve, but he also had a big heart.
Through his emotional struggles, he had never let his heart be fully open to accept love. The closest he had come to love was with his two dogs he had for eleven years; two years later, he was still pained by their passing.
For someone, like my previous boyfriend, who has never experienced affection, love and adoration, can be hard things to grasp...
Of course when you first fall in love, it can be wonderful, but it is equally scary and unpredictable. No one wants to have their heart broken—so if there is a glimpse of discontentment in the relationship—the fighting begins. Fear will be the driving force, and the superfluous ego will confirm it.
Fear will tell you that you do not deserve love or can‘t be loved, and the ego will confirm that the love you want is not (and will never be) enough. This pattern will create the feeling that there is always someone better, causing a barrier around your heart. Yikes!
When fear and ego cannot be controlled, the relationship is doomed...
Most people fall in love for the first time in high school or college. If the first person you fell in love with is not still your partner, husband, or wife, then they were probably your first heartbreak…and possibly not your last. In hindsight, having your heart broken is actually beneficial—it is a learning experience, as well as a chance to grow and change your relationship perspectives.
The more you can let yourself love, the closer you become to love, not giving freely into fear. Love ends up not overly consuming, but blossoming instead. This doesn’t mean that fear won’t make an appearance from time to time. But when you have recognized the power it has had in your past, you are more willing to block it from taking ultimate control.
Here is another question to ponder: can someone who has never been in love be with someone who has?
That was the struggle I had with my ex-boyfriend. The fear he had about giving (and receiving) love was detrimental to the stability of our relationship. He needed constant validation that he was appreciated, and he also wanted reassurance that I wouldn't cheat or end the relationship. To be honest, it was exhausting trying to rid him of his insecurities.
Instead of melting into what we had, he was consistently looking for something he could find wrong (or what I could be doing more of): kissing, snuggling, touching him a certain way or expressing weekly how much I value him. The interesting part is that I did kiss, snuggle, touch and express, but when someone has never experienced love, they develop an idea in their head that becomes impossible to attain.
Most people have had an idea about how love should be in high school; I mean, who hasn’t watch romantic movies at a young age and thought, “That’s how love should be!” With time, as well as maturity, the "love-expectation" changes. Realizing that there cannot be an exact or precise feeling when it comes to love is a revelation.
Holding onto impractical expectations ultimately develops into heartbreak...
Although no one wants—or would—purposely set themselves up for heartbreak, what is done subconsciously is a different story.
Believe me, heartbreak sucks! Until you have had that experience, it is hard to explain—just like trying to explain love in its entirety.
Love is a feeling that can bring you paramount ecstasy…but also, depths of depression. When you are younger, love can be so confusing that you literally do crazy things, like calling and hanging up when they answer, Facebook/cyber stalking, checking their text messages, writing letters of desperation, becoming clingy, and much more. These “crazy” acts of love usually decrease as we get older, typically from the hard-earned lessons we learn from the heartbreaks we endure.
Many times, love is not something we intentionally chose. For me, I did fall in love with a man who had not experienced love before, but unfortunately for us, love did not conquer all. However, I am an optimistic believer that it is possible to find the right person.
Bottom-line, with persistent and solid effort from both sides, as well as a healthy and strong foundation, a relationship will inevitably progress. By fueling romantic desires, openly expressing feelings, and cautiously nurturing the growth of the relationship, love can and will triumph.