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Are You Teaching Him How To Treat You?

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.


Every time you say or do nothing in response to how a guy treats you, you're inadvertently telling him that his actions are acceptable, giving him the OK to continue his current behavior. How do you want to be treated?

Teaching a guy how to treat you isn't about barking orders at him or giving ultimatums. It's about communicating very clearly what you feel is (and isn’t) acceptable behavior in regards to the way he is treating you.

Do you know how you want to be treated? If you're unsure, then you are prone to accepting any kind behavior from a man. Self-love and self-respect is a big factor in determining what you are and are not willing to deal with. Figuring out what type of man you want in your life and what this ultimately looks like—past the superficial stuff. Is he kind and loving? Does he play games and exhibit endless drama? Does he speak to you respectively, or in a condescending manner?

Until you decide what you really want, refusing to settle for less, you will not know how to teach a guy how to treat you. Again, this isn't about controlling a man, changing a man or having a man be your personal lap dog. This is about letting a man know right away which behavior is and isn't acceptable to you—boundaries. When you realize that the right guy will want to do everything in his power to build a strong foundation for you, then you won't be afraid to speak up.

Sometimes knowing how you want to be treated can take time. Most often this is learned when relationship after endless relationship have not worked for you. Other times, it is found through meditation, self-help books, or possibly a therapist. Regardless of how you discover your answer, determining your self-worth is imperative in maintaining a well-balanced life.

Deciding how a man treats you, is your choice (don't forget that), so teach him what this ultimately looks like. Remember that you cannot expect to teach a man how to treat you lovingly if you lack your own self-love.

Another big step in teaching a guy how to treat you, is communication—in some form or another—talking (preferably), through a text message, email or hand written letter, as long as you are able get your point across. It is important that you are clear from the very beginning what isn't working for you. Why wait until frustration has taken over or too much time has passed before communicating what is bothering you?

Actions also speak loudly. Perhaps you don't respond back to random text messages that have no follow through—letting him know right away that until he has something worth saying, you have nothing to offer in return. Or, maybe you need to cut off communication altogether after having an umpteenth talk with him, which results in no change whatsoever. Whichever form of communication works more efficiently for you, it's important to express this fashion right from the start and nip it in the bud. A guy who wants to be with you (and keep you in his life) will work on changing any unwanted behavior.

Don't get me wrong. There are many men that don't need teaching at all. Although these men are rare, they do exist. You will know when you find one because the relationship will feel organic, there won't be any games, he will keep you high on his priority list and most importantly—he will treat you with the utmost love and respect. Hurray! Don't forget, it is important to still be grateful—never take a guy like this for granted. Be thankful when he does thoughtful things for you. Show him how special he is by treating him as well as he treats you. Men are simple creatures and do not require a manual to be led in the right direction.

Sadly, there are many men who have created poor patterns when it comes to dating—usually due to women who never speak up or show gratitude when they do something kind and thoughtful. These men end up thinking that the way they treat women is acceptable. Honestly, it is frustrating and frankly, quite disappointing.

I know a lot of women who will sit in silence and let a guy treat them like second hand clothes, but will still stay with him because they don't want to be single. What many women don't realize is that by saying or doing nothing when a guy treats you poorly, you are in-turn teaching him that treating you this way is acceptable. Yikes! By ignoring the things that bother you, you are setting yourself up for being treated poorly.

Ladies, your lack of communication speaks loudly to a guy, "I'm OK with the way you are treating me, and I don't deserve better." Is that the message you really want him to receive—I can't imagine that it change it!

Know that your voice has more power than you may actually realize, whether you use it in silence or verbally speak out. Also know that if you have to scold every bad behavior you come across, it can become emotionally exhausting. Choose your battles. You do not have to always be "in charge," as this is a very unattractive feature on your part. Determine this by how emotionally invested you have become and how long you have known the guy.

I have found that deciding on the way I communicate what is acceptable behavior and what is not, really depends on how long a guy has been in my life. If I have just met him and he is already displaying behavior that doesn't work for me after a few hours, a day, or possibly several—cutting all contact works best. I will not respond to his text messages or phone calls—although usually, it's the lack of picking up the phone to call me that ends up being a complete turn-off.

What is poor behavior? Anything that doesn't feel emotionally right. It can be as simple as a guy making all the right moves when he first meets you—buying you drinks at the bar, telling you how much he wants to see you again. Sharing a simple kiss at the end of the night. Asking for your phone number and then, he doesn't reach out until a week later or possibly longer. When he finally does contact you it's through a lame text, "hey how are you?" Seriously? That to me is a sign of a lazy dater and not a guy who would be worth my time—and hopefully not yours. If he can't call, especially after letting a week pass since meeting you, he's most likely not the type of guy who would put in the effort it takes to build a lasting relationship. Ugh!

Since dating can be tricky, not all men are easy to figure out right from the start.

Many times when a woman becomes emotionally attached to a guy (and his unwanted behavioral patterns start to creep in), it can be hard to want to teach him how to treat you—usually this is triggered by fear of losing him. So, you continue to live in denial. I get it, when you have been dating a guy who started out all into you—calling and texting, planning dates and making time to see you, it feels great. Then, all of a sudden he falls off the rector-scale. It is natural to make excuses for his crappy behavior and give him the benefit of the doubt over and over again. But, who does that really benefit? I can tell you, Not you.

Realize that when a guy does a 180 in the way he is treating you, your relationship has already taken a turn down an ugly road, and therefore, you have nothing to lose by letting him know that his behavior is not acceptable. This could mean cutting off all forms of communication until things change—permanently, not temporarily (if you are dealing with a guy who is physically abusive or threatening your safety —call the police, get your family and friends involved and seek safe shelter).

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Ladies, I know that you may believe that being with a guy who treats you poorly is better than being alone, but it's not. Life is too short not to be with someone who will treat you with absolute love compassion and respect. Don't let the fear of a guy losing interest in you be the cause for you to clam up and say nothing. Find your voice and teach him that you are a worthy human being who deserves only the best. This includes a great life partner.

This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.


Chancellor Fairweather on October 19, 2017:

I'm in a pickle ..I'm in love w a man can not seem to quit w vague ..innuendos that suggest his infidelity..he had cheated and plotted to harm more intentionally than I was supposed to know.. 3 years into it I have no where to go and Santa Rosa CA is in a bad way because of fires..I'm in some legal trouble..and 9 years of prison is what I'm facing ..trial behind in less than 2 weeks..he smashed me up against the wall refusing let me have my own blanket..heated this am he takes off and says pretty foul shit

anonymous on August 24, 2017:

Hey..I'm a 26 year old dating a 42 year old.been in a relationship for 7months now but we have problems already.wgen we started dating I was employed then 3months down the line the contract was finished I then decided to start a business with the money that I had saved so that my daughter n I won't starve.but frankly he is not supportive and helpful at all if pays for my daughters transport to school he wants it back .When he is coming over to my place he never brings anything although he knows the situation but he expect flashy dinners and breakfast .He really doesn't care and he has it all he owns a recycling company and its making enough money , I know a relationship it's not about money but he should be helpful and he totally doesn't know how to treat a lady we never went out not even to a single day together, and he doesn't include me in his life planning he dies things on his own. I tried showing him how I want to be treated but doesn't seem to get it instead he told me that I love expensive things that I can't even afford and certainly so I'm not gonna change my facial products because he feels that they are expensive because when I ask him for help on certain things around my house he tells me that he is not handy and a girlfriend should not be given anything or helped with anything that will exit R500 monthly yet he expect me to treat him like a husband while he is not treating me like a wife.

Please help

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on April 20, 2015:

"Each of us has the right to determine how we want to be treated and if persons do not treat us as we wish, we have the right to walk away." Very strong and true statement. I think that many people forget this fact---not only when it comes to dating, but also friendships that aren't working.

Thank you so much MaryRB for reading and taking the time to comment.

MaryRB on April 14, 2015:

Each of us has the right to determine how we want to be treated and if persons do not treat us as we wish, we have the right to walk away. One should never settle for behavior from another that does not show respect for you.

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on April 13, 2015:

Thank you dashingscorpio for the Vote Up!

Yes, most people in the long run will revert back to their "authentic" selves, however, I have seen many men and woman who will, with the right partner, changed on their own in order to make the relationship they are in stronger.

Sometimes all it takes is finding that one person that we don't want to slip through our fingers to make us want to be a better person. :)

It's totally true, "if someone is really "into you" they'll initiate asking you what is needed."

As always, thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on April 13, 2015:

Thank you Deborah Demander! I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. :)

dashingscorpio from Chicago on April 13, 2015:

Voted up and interesting!

I've actually overheard women saying to one another;

"You have to (train) a man."

Being a man I've always found that somewhat offensive and yet I know everyone has to in some way let it be known what their "boundaries" or "deal breakers" are in addition to (their) likes and dislikes.

However I believe in the long run people eventually revert back to their natural or "authentic" selves.

Very few any men are walking around with one hand held up in the air screaming: "I'm looking for a woman to change me!"

When I was younger I used to try to impose my will in relationships. As I got older I adopted a "sell rather than tell" approach to get my way.

Today I subscribe to the find someone who (naturally) wants what I want and treats me the way I want to be treated philosophy.

Life is too short to be "breaking in", "teaching", or "training" people how to treat you. At some point you have to identify if someone treats or loves you the way you need to feel treated or loved and if not move on.

If someone is really "into you" they'll initiate asking you what is needed.

One man's opinion!:)

Deborah Reno from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on April 13, 2015:

Thanks for writing this great article.

Very helpful and informative.


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