Are You Just Filling a Void in His Life?
Most women don't enjoy playing second in a man's life, but when you are filling a void for him, often you will never be first.
Is he keeping you around for selfish reasons?
There are many men who have a difficult time being alone, don't want to give up their bachelor ways, or who spend too much emotional time pining over their Ex—a relationship that countless times has not worked. Instead of opening their hearts to the process of “anew,” they will fill this empty space with a “for now.”
Often when a guy is emotionally guarded or shutdown, but still wants you in his life—you are there to fill a void for him. This void could be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical or all four. Although this might sound like an appealing situation to be in, it's not—especially if you are wanting more.
A guy who wants you—just for the soul purpose of filling his void—will work hard not share his heart space with you. There will be an obvious emotional wall between you (that he has put up) and he will dart from any type of commitment—not letting himself get too close to you. But, he will continue to keep you around. Why?
The void you are being used to fill in his life is happening until something or someone better comes along. Or, maybe it's because he's bored and selfish.
Here's the thing, when the connection is there—you can feel it—but, he is set on "not wanting to be in a relationship"—and removes all other options off the table—not letting the experience between you be organic—not only are you are wasting your time and energy, he is also missing out on the opportunity to connect with you in a meaningful way.
Filling a void means we are a temporary stand-in until someone or something else better (in his opinion) comes along. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop—you don't know when or where, but eventually it will happen (you will be push out of his life)—the second a new (or possibly old) pair arrives. Ouch!
Becoming his void filler occurs when:
- He is not over his Ex—he is hoping one day they will get back together, but for now you are “good enough”
- He is emotionally unavailable—he has been emotionally scarred from past relationship(s) and is emotionally closed off, but still enjoys the company of a woman
- He is a guy’s-guy—he has become overly depended on his male friendships—he doesn't know how to make time, effort and frankly the space in life for a woman
- He doesn't see you in his future—he's keeping you around until a “better” suited woman comes along.
- He is a game player and enjoys playing the field (sleeping with multiple women)
- He is afraid to be alone, but again, does not see a future with you
- He is stuck in his “bachelor” ways and doesn't want to disrupt that
- He does not believe he deserves love
- He is afraid of getting his heart “broken” so he keeps you at a distance
Dating a man who is closed to the possibility of a committed relationship, even in the future, can end up being a difficult experience.
You want to understand why he won't let things flow naturally between you, but unless he opens up, you may never know.
Most men who let women fill an emotional and/or physical void for them are horrible at communicating. You will feel like you are in a continuous guessing game—never knowing what he exactly wants or how he truly feels towards you. Wonderful. The sad thing is; he might not actually know how he feels—since he will waste significant time and energy keeping you at bay.
Maybe he is scared of getting hurt, or is still emotionally attached to someone else? Unfortunately, these are things that he needs to understand and overcome, and you will not change him by continuing to date him. He is the only one who can change himself.
When you get your heart broken, or a relationship ends in a negative way, it is natural to want to take a break from relationships. If you need to "find yourself," go find yourself. If you need to seek therapy to understand what went wrong, go to therapy. What you should not do is start dating when you are not ready.
Most women don't want to hear that a man does not want a committed relationship because he need to "rediscover" himself, especially when he expects us to keep dating him while he does his "soul-searching." News flash, men, we are not here to fill an emotional void while you search around for the meaning of life.
How do you know you are filling his void?
- He is emotionally disconnected
- He rarely (or never) will be physically intimate with you in public—no kissing, hold handing or hugging
- You will feel like you only see him as his last resort
- He keeps texting and calling at a minimum
- He has a hard time emotionally connecting during sex—rarely looks at you
- If you feel like the connection between you is growing he will emotionally pull away
- You are unsure of the depth of his feelings towards you
- He rarely kisses you—when he does it will feel forced
- Foreplay is one-sided (and not in your favor)—his way of staying disconnected sexually
- When you are alone together he is not overly affectionate
- You will feel like he is keeping an emotional wall between you (because he is)
- He will occupy his free time with activities, events, friend, trips, etc.—that don't include you
- You haven't met his friends and family or have only met a small few
- He still keeps photos of his Ex visible
- When he travels communications stops or is sporadic
- He shy’s away from any “future” talk
- Usually when you see him it's not when you “want” to see him, but when he is “ready” (and willing) to see you
Basically ladies, when you are filling a void for him; the relationship will feel one-sided (his) and there will be a feeling of disconnect (from him).
Communication is important in all relationships. However, when you first meet someone, you probably will not be discussing your future committed relationship. That conversation will hopefully happen later—after you get to know one another, trust is built, respect, and love has grown. Does this mean we should close ourselves off to the possibility of a relationship until that happens? No. How will any of those things one day happen if we do?
Every time we close ourselves off to the possibility of love we are preventing ourselves from finding lasting love.
If we want the option to have a relationship that develops organically, then dating a guy who is only looking to fill a void is bound to be frustrating and frankly, a disappointment. You deserve to be with a man who is willing and able to keep all options open—a man who can let go of the past or accept it. A man who can conquer his fears, ignore his ego, and jump back into the possibility of love.
Everything happens for a reason…
Let's keep it real, there are no guarantees in love. However, if we weren't looking for a connection and one is brought to us, then maybe, just maybe the connection is worth exploring?
All things are brought into our lives for a reason. Why close ourselves off by predicting the future—assuming a relationship won't work—therefor we subconsciously end up creating an emotional barrier—keeping potential love away? Creating this type of barrier can cause us to flee the second we start to feel—happy, vulnerable, excited, a sincere connection or love…
Life is short, and caring or possibly loving someone can be scary—especially when we have had relationship failures in our past. The question we need to consider is, "do we want to be with someone who has closed themselves off to the possibility of a committed relationship because they are too scared to take a risk?"
Ladies, hold out for a man who has healed himself; a man who is open to the possibility of a committed relationship. This isn't about needing a guy to rush into a relationship, instead it's about being will a guy who is open—wholeheartedly—to the process and doesn't purposely or subconscious hold himself back.
Bottom-line…it takes two whole people to ultimately have a successful relationship. If you are in his life to fill a void, chances are, you will one day be replaced.