Are You Just Filling a Void in His Life?
The attraction is there, and he seems like a genuinely good guy. He seems caring, kind, appreciative, and affectionate. He calls and texts, and the chemistry is there, yet he will not share his heart and darts from commitment.
How often have you heard one of your girlfriends complain about a guy they are dating who will not commit?
If a guy tells you that he doesn't want a committed relationship when you first meet, but as time passes the communication increases, you're hanging out more, meeting his friends, and sleepovers become so frequent that it feels as if your living together—should you be offended when he recites the same "I told you that I don't want a relationship" speech as he did in the beginning? When does the guy become accountable for his actions?
Some men believe that words should speak louder than actions. If they tell you they don't want a committed relationship, but treat you like a girlfriend—it is your fault if your feelings get hurt or your heart is crushed when they "remind" you of their earlier statement, or they walk away. How do you decide when their actions, not words, are what really matters?
If a guy isn't comfortable saying "I love you," but is there for you when needed, goes out of his way to make you feel important, is supportive and makes you feel special, should you assume he doesn't love you because he doesn't tell you? Or, what about a guy who will proclaim he loves you every chance he gets, but is never there for you and treats you poorly? Should you believe he loves you because of his words?
Words should be taken into consideration, but where does the ownership start when actions are polar opposite to these words—what happens then?
People change their minds all the time. When someone says one thing in the beginning of a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean it is set in stone for the duration of the relationship. I have known many couples who swear they will never get married, and one day there is a wedding invitation from them in my mailbox. Or couples who definitely do not want kids, but soon I learn they are excited, expecting parents. These couples kept their options open.
When a guy is set on "not wanting to be in a relationship" and takes all other options off the table, not only are you are wasting your time and energy, he is also missing out on the opportunity to connect with you in a meaningful way.
Dating a man who is closed to the possibility of a committed relationship, even in the future, can be a difficult experience. You want to understand why, but unless he opens up, you may never know. Maybe he is scared of getting hurt, or is still emotionally attached to someone else. These are things that he needs to understand and overcome, and you will not be able to change him by continuing to date him. He is the only one who can change himself.
When you get your heart broken, or a relationship ends in a negative way, it is natural to want to take a break from relationships. If you need to "find yourself," go find yourself. If you need to seek therapy to understand what went wrong, seek that therapy. What you shouldn’t do is start dating when you are not ready. No one wants to hear that you do not want a committed relationship because you need to rediscover yourself, especially when you expect them to keep dating you while you do your soul-searching. News flash, she is not there to fill an emotional void while you search around for the meaning of life.
Communication is important in all relationships. However, when you first meet someone, you probably will not be discussing your future committed relationship. That conversation will happen later—after love, trust, and respect have grown between you. But should you close yourself off to the possibility of one?
If you want the option to have a relationship that develops naturally, then dating a guy who is only looking to fill a void is bound to be a disappointment. You deserve to be with a man who is willing and able to keep all options open—a man who is able to let go of the past, or accept it. A man who is able to conquer his fears, ignore his ego, and jump back into the possibility of love.
Life is short, and caring for someone can be scary—especially when you have had relationship failures in your past. The question you need to consider is, "do you really want to be with someone who has closed themselves off to the possibility of a committed relationship?" Someone who is keeping you around just to fill a void until they recover?
Hold out for a man who has healed himself; a man who is open to the possibility of a committed relationship. Hold out for a man whose actions and words are on the same page. Do you love yourself enough to know when to call it quits? Bottom-line…it takes two whole people to ultimately have a successful relationship.