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Are You Just Filling a Void in His Life?

Updated on December 19, 2016
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

The attraction is there, and he seems like a genuinely good guy. He seems caring, kind, appreciative, and affectionate. He calls and texts, and the chemistry is there, yet he will not share his heart and darts from commitment.

How often have you heard one of your girlfriends complain about a guy they are dating who will not commit?

If a guy tells you that he doesn't want a committed relationship when you first meet, but as time passes the communication increases, you're hanging out more, meeting his friends, and sleepovers become so frequent that it feels as if your living together—should you be offended when he recites the same "I told you that I don't want a relationship" speech as he did in the beginning? When does the guy become accountable for his actions?

Some men believe that words should speak louder than actions. If they tell you they don't want a committed relationship, but treat you like a girlfriendit is your fault if your feelings get hurt or your heart is crushed when they "remind" you of their earlier statement, or they walk away. How do you decide when their actions, not words, are what really matters?

If a guy isn't comfortable saying "I love you," but is there for you when needed, goes out of his way to make you feel important, is supportive and makes you feel special, should you assume he doesn't love you because he doesn't tell you? Or, what about a guy who will proclaim he loves you every chance he gets, but is never there for you and treats you poorly? Should you believe he loves you because of his words?

Words should be taken into consideration, but where does the ownership start when actions are polar opposite to these wordswhat happens then?

People change their minds all the time. When someone says one thing in the beginning of a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean it is set in stone for the duration of the relationship. I have known many couples who swear they will never get married, and one day there is a wedding invitation from them in my mailbox. Or couples who definitely do not want kids, but soon I learn they are excited, expecting parents. These couples kept their options open.

When a guy is set on "not wanting to be in a relationship" and takes all other options off the table, not only are you are wasting your time and energy, he is also missing out on the opportunity to connect with you in a meaningful way.

Dating a man who is closed to the possibility of a committed relationship, even in the future, can be a difficult experience. You want to understand why, but unless he opens up, you may never know. Maybe he is scared of getting hurt, or is still emotionally attached to someone else. These are things that he needs to understand and overcome, and you will not be able to change him by continuing to date him. He is the only one who can change himself.


When you get your heart broken, or a relationship ends in a negative way, it is natural to want to take a break from relationships. If you need to "find yourself," go find yourself. If you need to seek therapy to understand what went wrong, seek that therapy. What you shouldn’t do is start dating when you are not ready. No one wants to hear that you do not want a committed relationship because you need to rediscover yourself, especially when you expect them to keep dating you while you do your soul-searching. News flash, she is not there to fill an emotional void while you search around for the meaning of life.

Communication is important in all relationships. However, when you first meet someone, you probably will not be discussing your future committed relationship. That conversation will happen later—after love, trust, and respect have grown between you. But should you close yourself off to the possibility of one?

If you want the option to have a relationship that develops naturally, then dating a guy who is only looking to fill a void is bound to be a disappointment. You deserve to be with a man who is willing and able to keep all options open—a man who is able to let go of the past, or accept it. A man who is able to conquer his fears, ignore his ego, and jump back into the possibility of love.

Life is short, and caring for someone can be scary—especially when you have had relationship failures in your past. The question you need to consider is, "do you really want to be with someone who has closed themselves off to the possibility of a committed relationship?" Someone who is keeping you around just to fill a void until they recover?

Hold out for a man who has healed himself; a man who is open to the possibility of a committed relationship. Hold out for a man whose actions and words are on the same page. Do you love yourself enough to know when to call it quits? Bottom-line…it takes two whole people to ultimately have a successful relationship.

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      I believe society has taught men that they need to woo women regardless of their intent to have a serious relationship or even if it's just "kicking it". A lot of men don't believe they can get with a woman without the flowers, wining and dining, greeting cards, and investing time. Therefore they treat all new women the same way.

      In my youth when I was a "bad boy" I can remember (asking women for their phone number) after having met them in a nightclub and having sex that night; of which I had determined was not a good enough experience to warrant seeing her again. It was a backwards psychological attempt on my part to not make her feel used or disrespected. I knew I was never going to call I wager some them also knew it as well. Trust me if the chemistry had been off the charts it would not have been a "one night stand". My point is some men are nice, attentive, affectionate, because they believe that is what is (expected) and it has nothing to do with how they feel about them.

      Having said that I agree with you both men and women have been known to change their mind about the direction they want a relationship to go. Generally it's easier for people to accept someone who wants to evolve from a casual relationship into a serious one then it is be in what one thought was a "serious" relationship only to learn their mate simply wants a "friends with benefit" arrangement.

      Hearing the words: "I love you but I'm not (in) love with you." translates into "I care about you and enjoy spending time with you (but) you are not (the one)!" Too often we only hear and see what we want to.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      I do agree that we are all responsible for our own choices, however there are many men who will put there need of not being alone, but also wanting "eat their cake too" so they proclaim right away that they don't want a commitment.

      When I don't want a commitment I don't treat a guy as if he's my boyfriend. In fact I will date other guys, not spent a lot of time communicating and refrain from doing things together that might make him think that there is something more or even the possibility---the diffence between men and woman.

      Unfortunately, a lot of men don't do the same thing---in fact opposite. When a man spends a great deal of time with a woman, wooing her, consistantly reaching out---she is bound to get attached and develop feelings. That's part of bing human.

      Communication is important as well as being honest with yourself to know when it's time to end a relatinship that isn't going anywhere or meeting your emotional need.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      I have also had both---the guy who claims he doesn't want a relationship then changes his mind and the guy who says he doesn't and keeps his word. At the end of the day it is about communication and avoiding games. If there's a feeling you can't shake even though his actions speak differently, talk to him. If he's still on the same page as when you first met don't sell your self short---move on and find a guy who wants the same thing you do. :)

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thank you for reading!

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      marketeconomy 3 years ago

      What if the onion tastes like an apple? Even though you were happy with the onion, and accepted the onion, now you are wondering....is this an apple that presented itself as an onion? I know that I have dated men that say they do not want a commitment, or long-term anything, but act as if they do.....and sometimes they do, and sometimes their original statement is true. Dating can be confusing with these mixed signals, but dashingscorpio is correct that we are all in charge of our lives - assess the situation, communicate, and decide if you want to stay or move on.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      I believe if a man tells a woman he does not want an exclusive relationship then she should move on if her ultimate goal is to have an exclusive relationship with (him). The other option is for her to see other guys.

      One of the major differences between men and women is women are always tying to "fill in the blanks" (for men). He said this but does really mean that? What does it mean if he doesn't do.... but does .....?

      Stop making it about (him and his) wants!!!

      It's your life. Take the wheel!

      (What do YOU want?) - This is how women should live. Never (assume) a man is going to change his mind. It's gamble on (her) part if she decides to invest time and emotion only to learn he's a "George Clooney" (showers you with attention and affection but has NO plans to ever get married again.)

      The biggest mistake women make in this scenario is taking on "the challenge" to be "the exception". Our ego as human beings thrives on conquering. It's the fact that he said he's not "emotionally available" that makes him that much more a catch! When it falls apart you have only yourself to blame for your heartache.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. There is no way to get around that. If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead, whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a better shopper!

      Anytime someone elects to blame other people or outside forces for their choices that led to their unhappiness they are giving away their power! Self-empowerment comes from making choices and decisions with complete awareness and taking responsibility for the outcome of their actions. Thankfully one can learn from their own mistakes!

      In a world with over 7 billion people odds are in everyone's favor there is more than one person who is seeking what you are seeking at any given time. One man's opinion! :-)