Are We Giving Him a "Pass" in Order to Have a Valentine?
The true meaning of love should be expressed throughout the year—not just on one day . . .
Too often, as women, we will excuse a man's lousy behavior as long as he spoils us by doing something special on Valentine's Day. For us, as long as we can "show off" to our friends and family on Facebook (or other social media), that the man we are with is really a great boyfriend or husband (even if he is not)—that is all the proof we need to stay in a relationship with him. Yikes!
Holidays—especially Valentine's Day (and our birthday) become great "pass" giving days—to men who don't deserve them—so that we don't have to be alone...
Passes are reasons we create (in our minds) to justify staying with a man that deep down inside our hearts know is not the right guy for us. Unfortunately, being alone seems more terrifying, so holidays are emphasized pass days. The more meaningful the holiday, the greater the importance of needing to give out a pass (or several).
It's quite simple; on the holidays that mean something to us, if he does something to show us he really does care, then we will continue to keep him in our lives. Of course, this plan sometimes backfires so we will give him another pass (chance) on the next holiday that comes around (and possibly the next and the one after that). Really?!
Is being alone so awful that we would rather justify staying with a guy who is undeserving of us? Do we really think that as long as he puts in any effort into making holidays special for us—even if the rest of the time he takes us for granted—that is a good enough reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship with him? Are you kidding me?!
Do we really think that sacrificing our happiness to have a man over the holidays is that important if:
- We are not on his priority list; he doesn't make time for us or gives us the emotional support when we need him—is a card and a box of chocolates really enough?
- He lacks consideration for us, doesn't value or respect us—do flowers and/or dinner really make up for this?
- He is emotionally, mentally and/or physically abusive—are jewelry and trips really going to make his behavior acceptable?
Your happiness should not be crammed into one day (or several) to make up for the hurt, frustration, or disconnect you are feeling the majority of the time. You deserve better than that.
Let's keep it real, passes are given so that we can convince ourselves that our significant other is worth our time, energy, and effort. Wake up, the doubts you have will not disappear after one night of him finally making you feel important. The only thing that giving him a pass does is helps you to cling onto the wrong guy. The facade you are creating only holds you back from true love finding you.
Convincing yourself that a day of being "appreciated" must mean he really loves you, shows an enormous lack of love for yourself....
There is no judgement, I have been guilty of this myself. I was once in a relationship with a guy who gave the best gifts over the holidays, even though right before or right after a holiday he would treat me like crap. Starting stupid arguments and saying disrespectful things was just the tip of the iceberg.
Every time he would treat me badly, he would go out of his way to make a holiday special for me; Valentine's Day was an example of this.
The day before he would start a stupid intense argument, but on Valentine's Day a large beautiful bouquet of exotic flowers would be delivered with a romantic card attached. His romantic "gestures" continued with dinner reservations at one of my favorite restaurants. He also surprised me with the perfect dress and of course the perfect gift—jewelry. I felt like pretty woman—minus the "hooker" aspect.
Everything he did on that day was extremely sweet (viewed on the outside), however our overall relationship was not. I would have preferred that he had put the same effort towards working on his issues and bettering himself—and in turn our relationship. Instead, he was up and down with his emotions, thinking that showering me with romantic gifts would make me forget the abundance of negativity that encompassed our relationship. Ugh!
Society has devalued what Valentine's Day actually means due to Hallmark narrations and commercials that put the pressure on women of needing a man to feel special, valued and loved—on this one very important and meaningful day that signifies love. Seriously?!
So we give a man a pass for all his misgivings and grief he has caused us, as long as he puts the effort into making Valentine's Day (or any holiday) special for us?
How meaningful are flowers, chocolate and jewelry from a man who is not invested in working on building a strong foundation for your relationship—by giving you the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical security that you actually need? Or from a guy who completely disregards how you feel by not hearing you, internalizing and therefore shutting you out—continuing to make the same mistakes that keep upsetting you? Hmm...
But, on Valentine's Day, all of our concerns and doubts are forgotten as long as he can show our friends, family, and coworkers that he truly loves us on this hallmark day—proving that your not-so-great relationship is actually perfect. I don't think so.
Here's the thing, if your relationship is not going in the direction you hoped, no flowers are going to save it from the downhill slope that it is heading. Those gifts are really just a show for him to save face. Unfortunately, many women will play into this facade by all the Facebook posts that they share—knowing deep down inside they are lacking security in their relationship.
Like I said, my ex was a wonderful gift giver and planner on holidays, but the emotional stress and upset I would feel before and afterwards was definitely not worth it.
Ladies, you can buy your own flowers, chocolates and gifts—that have no negative attachments to them. When you are in a true loving relationship, no passes will need to be given out because you will feel and see his expressions of love throughout the entire year...and every year going forward.