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Are We Creating a Longer Path to Finding Love?

Updated on May 16, 2017
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My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

When we create too many expectations we end up distancing ourselves from finding love.

Thinking that there is a perfect Prince Charming will make finding love as hard as finding a four leaf clover.

Believing that there is a man who is flawless will end up creating a lot of disappointment. Setting the bar too high for what we expect in a man will only keep us single.

We are not perfect so why do we hold onto this notion that a man should be? Wake up! A perfect guy does not exist and if he did, most likely we would eventually find him boring. Yet, we will still have this image in our heads of exactly what a man should look like and the qualities he should possess which will inadvertently make our love search even harder.

By creating a precise image of our perfect guy (our own Prince Charming), we are closing ourselves off to love. Basically we are hiding behind this image to give us the excuse that we are not worthy of ever finding love. We create this list of everything we want and do not want in a man (generally this list is very specific), and we will convince ourselves, our friends and family that we really want to find love, be married and have children one day—even though our list will make this goal close to impossible. Hmm... How is that working for you?

Love will never come in a perfect package we have created in our heads or on a piece of paper jotted down. If we are too specific we are only setting ourselves up for major disappointment, heartbreak and future divorce.

Don't get me wrong, everyone should have deal breakers—things that you could not possible live with—otherwise we would all be settling. However, if our deal breakers include a man's exact height, race, what car he drives and how much money he makes, again, we will narrow finding love to almost impossible.

Are we purposely making love impossible to find us due to past heartbreak?

There is nothing wrong with protecting your heart once you have been hurt. This is normal and required to make you a better dater. However, protecting your heart is one thing, locking your heart behind a vault— usually made from some ridiculous list—is another.

Do we honestly think that by creating a one of a kind man (in our mind) who is the only one (if we ever meet him) that can break the code (to this imaginary vault) that's protecting our heart—will actually make finding love easier? It won't.

Expectations that are too long and too specific will only lengthen the path to finding love...

I have a girlfriend who proclaims she wants love, but the image she has created for what love looks like has made her believe she will never find it. Her list is uniquely specific.

He need to be ethnic, muscular, an entrepreneur, 6’2 or taller, no children, close to his family, fashionable, an income of at least six figures, has a beautiful home, lives in an upscale neighborhood, drives a luxury car and is between the ages of forty and fifty years old—not one year younger or older. Wow.

Years have passed and she still hasn't found her perfect guy and she is unwilling to be open to tweaking her expectations.

We can get too caught in what we want a significant other to look like. Although looks are important they aren't everything—looks fade as we get old. We also tend to shrink and lose muscle tone. This doesn't mean that we should be with someone we aren't attracted to, however if we disbelieve that beauty can be found in other ethnicities or expect someone's body to be perfect, then our search becomes narrow which closes the gap to love.

Often we self-sabotage a relationship before it even comes into our lives by creating unrealistic expectations.

Creating a superficial or materialistic list is not love. By being too picky we are getting in our own way of finding a man who wants to love us. We all come with baggage, the key is finding a partner whose baggage we can live with. Expecting that no man will have some baggage is a fantasy.

Many times if we find a man who is perfectly matched to our "paper" idea, he is not necessarily compatible for what our hearts desire and need. What many women fail to realize, the man who inhibit superficial and materialistic qualities usually tend to be narcissistic, controlling, cheaters, liars or perhaps they will think it's OK to disrespect and emotionally, mentally or physically abuse us. Yikes!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all successful men are this way or that being with a guy who is financially stable isn't important.

No woman enjoys hearing a man consistently complain about his financial stresses or who makes bad financial decisions or who is a penny pincher and enjoys frequently shopping at the dollar store. However, there is a big difference between expecting to date a multi-millionaire or billionaire and settling for a man who struggles to live comfortably—barely making it paycheck by paycheck. The realistic approach is to aim more in the middle.

There are many men who don't make six-figures, but will make great financial decisions so that they aren't struggling and can still enjoy life, take trips and buy you an engagement ring one day without stressing out. There are also many men who strive for success and are determined to be abundantly successful—but need your strengths to help achieve greater success—therefor making you a power couple. Yay!

Placing a specific income that a man must have will again create a longer path to finding love.

We forget that love is how someone treats us, not what they own or how successful they are. If we were all blind we wouldn't concentrate on materialistic things and looks, because those things would not be important. Instead, we would focus on the connection we have and how we feel when we are with that person—which would only enhance by how they treated us.

Love is not something that always comes easy, we shouldn't want it to. Love—with the right match—should feel special and unique, not scrutinized and judged. As women, we proclaim we want love to find us, but many times when love does, we push it away by picking it apart. We end up wanting men who are completely wrong for us—to make more of an effort, and men who are actually right for us (if we opened our eyes and heart)—to try less. We create our own bubble of dissatisfaction, then label it; as never being able to find love. Yikes, what a vicious circle!

Ladies, love is out there. Stop expecting perfection and start appreciating how a man treats you. Yes, there needs to be basic attraction, but not unrealistic. A man's personality will always make him either more or less attractive. The rarity is not the list you create, it's finding a man who will be there for you emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially. Shorten your path to love by being open to letting go of perfection.

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