Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples.
10 Tips on Being More Confident in Your Marriage
When I first met my husband, I was an absolute mess. My husband was a wonderful man who was patient, trustworthy, and kind. And yet, I treated him like he was ready to cheat and betray me at any moment.
Needless to say, it didn’t make for a very happy courtship.
Relationship insecurity is difficult to deal with. It isn't fun for you and it certainly isn't fun for your spouse. Work on strengthening your communication, finding ways to boost your self-esteem and focusing on your own social endeavors are just some of the ways that couples can banish relationship insecurity.
Keep reading for 10 tips on being more confident in your marriage.
1. Identify What Makes You Insecure
If you're anything like me, the insecurities you're feeling in your relationship have nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with yourself.
Perhaps you have low self-esteem, often compare yourself to other people, or had trouble in your past relationships. Narrowing down the source of your insecurity can help you understand what your triggers are.
"Narrowing down the source of your insecurity can help you understand what your triggers are."
2. Learn How to Communicate
My husband and I had very different communication techniques when we first started dating. These techniques involved giving one another the silent treatment, withholding information until we became resentful, and not understanding how to resolve conflict as partners.
If you can’t communicate, your insecurities are going to go wild. Communicating is how my husband and I grew as a couple. It's also how we learned to resolve arguments and work as a team together.
When you are open and honest about behaviors that trigger your relationship insecurity, you teach your partner how to interact with you in an efficient and respectful way.
3. Be Independent
My relationship insecurity caused me to focus way too much on my husband. I was obsessed with his needs and what he was doing or thinking.
While it's good to give your partner an appropriate amount of attention, it can also be hard on your mental health.
In order to banish insecurities from your relationship, you need to start pursuing your own hobbies and goals. Make plans with your friends and be social outside of spending time with your spouse. This will give you your own little corner of the world to focus on.
4. Work on Your Marital Friendship
When we first got married, I was terribly insecure. I worried that my husband loved me, but didn’t like me. After all, we were lovers first and friends second… or maybe even third or fourth?
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As we grew in our marriage, we learned that these two qualities needed to go hand in hand if we wanted our relationship to be successful.
The Journal of Happiness Studies shows that marital satisfaction is higher when partners are best friends. Best friends spend time together outside of doing romantic things. They also care about the other's hobbies and interests.
5. Boost Your Self-Esteem
Over the years, my husband reassured me time and again (tirelessly so, I'm sure) that I was pretty enough, fun enough, and exactly what he was looking for in a relationship. After all, he married me!
But no matter what he said, I just couldn't believe his words. My self-esteem was so low that I began to realize that the only person who could make me feel better was me.
Bump up your self-esteem with anything that makes you feel great about yourself. Dress up, exercise and work up a sweat, eat pizza, eat healthy—do anything and everything that make you feel like you're living your best life.
6. Regularly Make Time for One Another
If my husband went weeks without spending quality time together, I began to feel insecure. This is a natural way to feel when the person who vowed to love you forever and ever suddenly can’t be bothered to carve out an hour to spend time with you.
My husband and I realized that we needed to regularly set aside time to spend together. Having a regular date night became our saving grace—especially as a young couple who both work full-time and raise two children.
Research proves that couples who have a regular date night experience higher levels of sexual fulfillment, better communication skills, and are more likely to stay together than those who don't make quality time a priority in their marriage.
7. Accept What You Cannot Change
One of the most cathartic phrases I ever heard was "Whatever will be, will be."
It made me realize that my relationship was either going to work or it wasn't. My husband was either going to be honest, faithful, and loving—or he wasn't! And aside from being an excellent communicator and spending quality time together regularly, there isn't anything I can do to change how he behaves.
Learning to accept the things I can't change took the stress out of my life in the biggest way possible.
8. Learn How to Resolve Arguments Fairly
When you marry your spouse, you become partners in life. From that moment on, you need to learn how to think and act as teammates. This means when you argue, you tackle the issue at hand instead of using disagreements as an excuse to say rude or hurtful things.
Relationship insecurity can crop up easily when you are arguing with your spouse. Combat this by using calm tones, “I feel” statements, and strive to have empathy and see things from your partner’s perspective when you are having a disagreement.
"Relationship insecurity can crop up easily when you are arguing with your spouse. Combat this by using calm tones, 'I feel' statements, and strive to have empathy and see things from your partner’s perspective when you are having a disagreement."
9. Let the Past Go
My first serious relationship lasted for three years. We were ridiculously happy until we weren't anymore. When I was with him, I wasn't an insecure person. It was only after giving my trust, heart, and soul to my ex and then being cheated on that I became a paranoid mess.
My husband is not my ex. He has never mistreated me or given me a reason to distrust him, so why was I acting like a caged wild animal when he would make the slightest move?
In order to quell my relationship insecurity, I had to learn to let go of the baggage I had been carrying around from past relationships.
10. Trust Your Gut
In order to be able to trust your gut, you have to learn train it right from wrong. There are times to be suspicious or worried about your relationship and there are times to just relax and be happy. It's a heck of a concept, isn't it?